Compassionate Conflict Resolution - Introduction and Overview
Resolving a conflict with compassion will give you the best possible result. When you enter into a discussion with compassion and curiosity, you are in an excellent headspace to find a good result.
When you enter a discussion with fear, anger or judgement, you may get the result you want but only at the cost of doing emotional damage to the person you are engaging.
Core skills can be summarized using the acronym LVRE each other better at all times.
LRVE (Listen, Repeat, Validate, Explore)
Always begin a potentially difficult conversation with all your focus on the other person’s perspective. Stop thinking about how you will respond with your perspective and just make space for their perspective. There will be plenty of time to share yours after you fully understand their’s.
Listen to the other persons concerns.
Repeat what you heard (clarify as needed).
Validate the persons feelings (I can understand why you would be sad angry upset or whatever).
Explore their perspective by asking questions. Can you tell me more about why you think this. I’m having a hard time understanding but I would like to (or whatever compassionate question comes to mind). Remember 90% of what you communicate is non-verbal so use your face and body in a way that communicates compassion as well as your words. When you really understand their perspective, you will be in a better place to search for a common solution.
Explore common solutions (well, I can see where you are coming from. What do you think would be a way we could handle this and both feel good about it?) Can we take some time to pray about it and come back together to see if we can find some good options?
Suggestions for staying in your compassionate self:
Be quick to apologize and slow to blame.
Remind yourself their anger is not your anger. Don’t make it yours.
Stay calm and compassionate (which will help draw them in to your energy).
It is not your job to make them happy. It is only your job to be kind in your words, compassionate in your thoughts and curious about their perspective.
Care more about understanding what they think than getting them to understand what you think.
If you react with anger, be curious why anger is coming up for you. Ask yourself what you need to stay grounded.
Your anger is your responsibility to manage, not theirs.
Their anger is NOT your responsibility to manage. Just react to their anger with compassion and curiosity. No matter what they say, it’s not about you.
As a parent or teacher, you have to sometimes set boundaries but you can still do so while following the above guidelines.
EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect even if they don’t treat you with respect. Their lack of respect is a reflection on them, not on you. Your inability to treat them with respect is on you, so strive to treat them according to your love, not their anger.